In a devastatingly honest coming-of-age debut, a Chinese American teen navigates grief in the wake of her first love's death by suicide. Not real. The mantra seventeen-year-old Nina repeats to herself the morning after her almost-boyfriend, Ethan Travvers, jumped onto the tracks in front of a freight train. The two words that keep the truth just far enough away so the loss can't touch her, grief can't break her. After all, there is the family image to uphold, especially when her dad's startup begins to flounder. Maintaining the illusion of wholeness and success is everything to Nina's mom and grandma. The pretense is working--until Nina's all-star older sister, Carmen, is dismissed from college and abruptly returns home. Carmen's arrival and strange behavior dig up buried memories, leading Nina to wonder if there is more to the story of Ethan than even she knew. The truth is not what she wants to believe: about Carmen, about Ethan, but mostly, about herself. Emotionally layered and unflinchingly honest, this novel will resonate with readers who love deeply affecting stories that tackle teen heartache in the vein of Kathleen Glasgow and Laura Nowlin.