As a child in the 1990's, my medical condition made hospitals and surgeries a constant reality. I built a fortress of normalcy, using humor and denial to hide my fear and to live a double life: a cheerful kid on the outside, a terrified one on the inside. ​For decades, this facade was my survival, reinforced by alcohol when i got older that kept my panic attacks at bay. But when a profound family loss forces me to face my grief, my fortress crumbles. The panic, once a memory, returns with a vengeance, leading to a new, terrifying rock bottom where my body and mind are completely disconnected. ​This is the story of my jounrey where I must now confront the traumatized child within. By dismantling my own defenses and accepting support, I begin a perilous journey of healing, learning that true peace isn't found by running from the past, but by embracing it.