You didn't necessarily want to be a good person - when young, you chafed against your own innocence and desired to be a person of experience. In order to move past your awkward purity you embarked on a programme of coarsenment but it may be that you slid through the stages too quickly to alight at what you deemed to be the sweet spot, and ended up at a more complete coarseness than you intended. But you still cannot understand why people make decisions different from the ones you did, even as you deplore the consequences of your own decisions.