THE MANAGEMENT REGRETS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER TECHNICALLY ALIVE.  Congratulations, you have been promoted from "person with bills" to "Soul Essence with paperwork". Welcome to The Infinitium, a satirical metaphysical field trip through the afterlife where the corridors are too clean, the forms are too long, and the universe has all the warmth of an office memo written by someone who alphabetises their emotions. I'm david (lower case 'd', long story, not for now), Soul Guide Level Two, which is a fancy way of saying, "least unsuitable operative available". Your job, apparently, is to follow me, ask the questions you were trained to swallow, and try not to look too guilty when The Management notices you're thinking for yourself. You will be processed.You will be assessed.You will be introduced to an induction programme that behaves suspiciously like an adventure story, except it keeps stopping to file reports about itself. Inside you'll find: A bureaucratic afterlife, complete with managerial documents, complaint submissions, incident reports, and the kind of official tone that could make a rainbow apologise.A metaphysical "orientation" that starts polite, then quietly gets under your skin and begins rearranging the furniture in your soul.Doors. Too many doors. Some are exits, some are traps, and some only open when you finally admit you're not living the life you meant to live.A very sincere question hidden inside all the nonsense, "Who are you, really?" This book is written in my first person, your second person, and reality's third person, because you are not a spectator here. You are the main character, whether you've rehearsed for it or not. If you like your philosophy served with wit, your existential dread wearing a name badge, and your cosmic revelations delivered with a raised eyebrow and a mug of something warm, you're in the right place. For fans of Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams, with a metaphysical twist, a satirical bite, and a surprisingly tender centre that might sneak up on you when you least expect it. Keywords people pretend they're not searching for at 2 a.m.: afterlife fantasy, satirical fiction, metaphysical adventure, existential humour, spiritual awakening, multiverse vibes, philosophical comedy, self-discovery, cosmic bureaucracy, portal fiction, liminal spaces, surreal fantasy, dark whimsy, second-person narrative. Book 1 of The Infinitium trilogy. Open the door. Try not to break anything important.