Finally, a collection that covers the stories that really matter -- the ones that never happened.In our age of information overload, doom-scrolling, and news anxiety, Francis Lightfoot presents The Untold True Stories You Haven't Heard Because They Never Happened as the perfect antidote: a heaping dose absurdism that helps you laugh at the world that keeps you up at night.The pages within house a universe where "every single detail is precisely as untrue as intended," yet somehow manages to capture the genuine ridiculousness of modern life. Packed with investigative exposés, hyper-local breaking news, scientific studies, and exclusive interviews, this collection truly has nothing for everyone!You'll find cutting-edge reporting on stories like: - Disturbing: 100% of 29-Year-Olds Diagnosed with Turning 30- Driver Receives Key to City as Bus Runs on Schedule- Thickness Triumphs in Landmark Pancake Satisfaction Study- Man Comes to Terms with Failed Dreams, Buys 2008 Corolla- Stalemate Persists in Parent Toddler Bedtime Negotiations and more!Easily read by using only the eyes, it's perfect for both terrestrial and extraterrestrial beings alike. From young to old and everyone in between, The Untold True Stories You Haven't Heard Because They Never Happened will restore your faith in the noble pursuit of absurdity in a world that's clearly lost the plot.